201

I'm finally not stuck at 205 anymore. Up until two days ago I still was. Yesterday I weighed in at about 203. This morning I hit 201.

This week was really bad. I plan to recover fully with this upcoming week, and be really strict.

Last Saturday was my work's party, and I ate whatever I wanted that day (including McDonalds for lunch and about 7 cosmopolitans at the party- yikes!) Sunday rolled around and it was the Superbowl party with my family. Not that I'm a football person, but we went anyway, and there was lots of bad food which I ate because, hell I was at a party. I shouldn't have done this. I should have stuck to veggies and water, but I didn't. Well, after two days of eating poorly, Monday rolled around and I didn't eat badly, but not very well either. I had to babysit my niece in the morning and I skipped exercising, went to Starbucks (all though I did get a non-fat drink, well, that wasn't much better). So you see, my week just started off bad. I almost lost my control and stopped this program. Midweek, I was feeling so guilty about my mistakes and the fact that for the 10th (or so) day in a row I was at 205 and it was my own darned problem- well, it almost made me quit all together. I started to feel helpless. But I slapped myself in the face emotionally and said, "Stop it. You are going to be so disgusted and disappointed in yourself if you let this become just another fruitless attempt at losing weight! You can do this, keep going, you've already lost 12 lbs!" So I did. And luckily, by the end of the week, I was seeing results again already.

But I do have something happy to tell to. First, well, I'm down to 201 despite my cheating earlier on this week. At lunch on Friday my work had a meeting and ordered Illegal Pete's (my favorite!) Those bitches. Plus, my work was paying for it, and I'd have to sit there in the meeting watching everyone else eat it.I had already brought my Healthy Choice microwave meal with only 5 grams of fat and like 250 calories, and I was tempted to order lunch with them. Really tempted. A couple of my co-workers tried to talk me into it. But then I remembered what I heard, those huge burritos can be like 900 calories. And I had exercised that morning, and after this kind of week, well I'll be damned if I'm going to let my guilty co-workers ruin it for me. So I refused, and I suffered through the smells of that yummy queso and steak and queso steak nachos and I ate my meal with water. And you know what? I felt really good about myself. I had the power to say no. That felt a lot better than it would have if I had given in to my cravings. I thought that yummy food would make me happy and I was denying myself some happiness. But the opposite happened. I knew I would have felt guilty in the end. Instead I felt empowered.

205.... still?!

This morning I hit the same spot on the scale, only 205. It's a little frustrating to not see any progress all week. I weigh the same as I did last Sunday, yet I've been exercising and eating well all week. :(
Perhaps it is because of PMS? I hope so, because I don't expect to lose weight as quickly as I did the first two weeks, but to lose nothing at all during the third week is well, UGH!

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm not doing anything wrong and my body is just being stubborn?

And now I'm even more worried about tomorrow. What if by not dieting and exercising tomorrow, I weight myself on Sunday and am back up to 207 or something? I'm just really frustrated right now, and irritable. It must be my PMS.

205, again

I woke up with a headache about 40 minutes ago and I really don't feel like exercising. I have to though, I want to get below 200 ASAP.

Now, I'm not the type of person who would yell at my husband for eating what he wants in front of me. Just because I'm dieting doesn't mean he has to. But last night he came home from the store with two chocolate bars. You'll remember I'm PMSing? I was annoyed yes, but I went about my night eating healthily. Then, after dinner he sat there and ate it in front of me. I'm a PMSing female trying to lose weight, could you be a little more merciful?! Then he notices my glaring at him and he says, "Just take a little bite" and waves it in my face. Okay! So I can't get mad at you for eating what you want but COULD YOU PLEASE NOT WAVE THAT CHOCOLATE IN MY PREMENSTRUAL THINNER FACE?!?! UGH!

Another time of the month would be fine. Honestly. Luckily, I didn't take a bite. Does he not understand that if I took one bite, I'd have to finish the rest? Men! Screw his perfect metabolism...

207- again

That time of month has hit and it's hitting me really hard. PMS. It's even worse than my actual period. I've gotten bloated, my breasts are sore, and I'm having wild cravings. Cravings that, a month ago, I would have satisfied.

My weight is a little higher again. Should I attribute that to Sunday's eating? Or perhaps it's just one of the normal fluctuations with losing weight? Most likely, I think, it's from PMS. Or maybe a combination of all of that. Regardless, it's only 207, not 217.

Yesterday I woke up late and skipped exercising. I felt guilty the rest of the day for it. Today I exercise and ate well, but I am thinking about everything from cheesecake to bacon cheeseburgers. Oh my gosh those words are hard to write. I'm embarrassed to say, my mouth literally watered just typing that.

Oh well, I'm going to suppress my cravings and truck forward to Saturday. Saturday I'll have breakfast with my husband at Denny's (I know, but I'm craving it) before work. Probably satiate my bacon cheeseburger (swallow) craving at lunch (and I'll probably feel sick because of it later, which has happened the last two "okay days") and then our company party is that night. I'm going to eat what I want and drink rum and cokes and think nothing of it. Until Sunday morning, that is, when I'll be exercising and scarfing down yogurt and veggies rather than cheeseburgers.

It's crazy how attached to food we get. I comfort myself with food. I usually indulge in the same foods I ate as a child: Spaghetti Os, chocolate milk, mac & cheese. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm depressed, I eat. When I'm out having fun with friends and family, I'm usually eating. This change so far has forced me to find other ways to get my kicks. Sex is one of them, I think ;) . This is hard. I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a bad day. Not because I've messed up, but because all day I've been tempted to.

But it's worth it. Right? Yes. It's worth it... I hope.

205

Woohoo! Another 2 lbs! That puts me at -12 lbs in 12 days.

Today is my "okay day" again, and I'm a little nervous. But last week didn't harm me at all so... I'll go ahead with it.

Yesterday I went over to my parents and saw my mom for the first time since I started this. She said right away that I looked thinner in my face. I was flattered but I also thought, well mom I haven't lost that much yet and you're probably just trying to find some difference. But she swore to me that I did. Later, my co-worker said the same thing when I told her I'd lost about ten pounds that week she said, "Yeah, you do kinda look thinner on your upper body."

Well, now I'm looking forward to what they'll say when I'm -20, -30, -40! One of the best parts about losing weight- I've found in the past and now- is when people start to notice and say, "You look great!"

I also have to admit, yesterday I began feeling a little discouraged actually. It's hard to describe the feeling but I started getting a little overwhelmed by how much I have to lose, and scared that the next 60-70 lbs won't come off as fast and I'll get sick of this and stop. As much joy as I've had already with losing so much so far, and my mom saying she's noticed, well it also weighs (no pun intended) on you a lot. Losing weight is a daunting task no matter how great it's going. It's why so many people in this country are obese. Losing weight and dieting is almost scary and risky. What if I just balloon back up after losing it all? What if I get pregnant next year and never lose the baby weight? There's all these what if's. But it's also made me consider how serious I am about this. When I'm back down to my goal weight, I can't just go back to my old lifestyle. I have to be a healthier person for good this time.

My plan is, to keep exercising. And yes, I'll eat the things I want. I'll eat cake at birthday parties. I'll have pancakes for breakfast sometimes. But I won't eat junk at every meal or close to it and I will exercise regularly. I just have to. I've realized in life: I'm just not the type of person who can stay thin easily. I have a body type that forces me to work at it.

207

In one week and three days I've officially lost 10 lbs! Again, I'm sure some of this was water weight, but nonetheless, it was weight. I've been really pretty good the last few days with eating well. On Sunday I ate whatever I wanted, and I have to say, it didn't feel so good. We had Wendy's for lunch and went to the Olive Garden for dinner. I got diarrhea after dinner (which hasn't happened at all since I started this change except for that night) and I also noticed I couldn't fit as much food in my stomach! That's a good thing.

We watched a movie that night and I had gotten a large Symphony chocolate bar at the store. It grossed me out eating it, I couldn't finish it. Couldn't finish a chocolate bar? This is really new for me! It was as if my body had already adjusted to my better eating styles, and was loving it!

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday: I stayed at the same weight of 210. It was kinda frustrating to not see any advancements, but it also made me want to try harder. Alas, when I weighed myself this morning I was 207! It kinda teetered between 210- 204 but when I got of the scale, reset the dial, and pushed on it several times to make sure the red line ended at zero every time, then I weighed myself again, and a few times. Yep: 207.

That scale worries me...

But to think, just barely over a week ago I was 217 (!), and now, I'm getting so close to being under 200, I can't weight. Haha...wait.

I'm really thankful that I'm pushing myself so hard to do this again. So help me, I will never weight more than 210 again! And hopefully soon I can say 200, and then 180, and then 160 (unless it's because I'm preggers, but hopefully even then I won't get too far above 160).

210, again

Two days later, I'm still at 210. But thats actually okay with me. Yesterday when I weighed myself in the morning I was at 213. I was kinda bummed, but that's still 4 lbs lost in 4 days, which is great. Today, I was back to 210 (I think you can just fluctuate so much), which would still be 7 lbs lost in 5 days. That's really good! If I keep up at that pace, it will only take 11 weeks or so to lose as much as I want to. However, I know it probably won't go that fast. But it's helping me keep going because I see progress already, and I can also see that this isn't going to take me 2 years. By summertime, I'll be back to my old self again. I can't wait! This time, I'm NOT giving up.

Today is my "okay day" where I'll eat what I want. I'm a little nervous, to be honest, but I'm going to try it and then weigh myself again on Tuesday after exercising and eating right on Monday and seeing if it had any negative effect. The book I read a few years ago called "Body for Life" recommended doing this, and said it can actually help because you lose weight so quickly, your body might think it's starving and hold onto that fat more viciously. Eating poorly once a week won't hurt, and it should remind your body it's not starving. I don't know if that's true, but for my sanity also I'm willing to try it!

I have to admit, I'm also worried about losing control. Will I be able to go back Monday morning to eating right again? Hopefully I can just look forward to next week (my work is having a party downtown) "okay day".

So, I've reached the end of week one (well, kinda because I wish I'd started this on Monday rather than Tuesday but at least I started it at all) and I'm 7 lbs lighter (maybe it's just water weight, who knows?) and 1 week closer towards my goal. I plan to be even stricter next week. This week I allowed myself dinners that I probably shouldn't have for the time being (starchy things). I'll stock up on groceries today for good food like chicken breasts, more eggs, fish, fruit, yogurt; and I'll avoid things like spaghetti and meatballs this week.